Fifteen years ago, I walked away from a coercive and controlling relationship. I’d tried to leave him multiple times over the course of our four year relationship but, each time I left, he found a way to convince me to go back.
Over the years he’d told me he’d get therapy, that he’d go on anti-depressants, that he loved me, that things would be different this time. He’d remind me how happy we’d been.
(But he’d never apologise. Not once, during the course of our relationship, did he ever say sorry for something he’d said or done).
Inside me a battle would rage. I did want to return to happier times, because the happy times were so great (it’s how a coercive and controlling man reels you in in the first place, and how they keep you in the relationship – because you’re desperate to find a solution that will allow you to return to that magical bubble that made you love him in the first place).
Equally, I’d be desperate to leave him. I felt like a shell of myself, hollowed out by his criticism and judgement. I’d lost friends, lost my self-esteem and my self-confidence. I’d lost track of the number of times I’d cried myself to sleep.
The day I decided to leave him for good something inside me snapped. I was preparing to give up my flat, my city, my sister, and my remaining handful of friends. My flat was my safe place, my comfort blanket, and my escape zone, and I was about to give it all up to move cities, and move in with him.
On the day I was due to hand over the keys to my flat to the letting agent he texted me and started a fight with me Why? Because I hadn’t kissed him goodbye that morning.
That’s when it happened. That’s when I realised that this man would never change, that he’d always find fault with me, that I’d never be good enough, that I’d be walking on eggshells for the rest of my life.
It was over, and I was never going back.
After a phone, during which I ended the relationship, I decided to cut all contact. If I didn’t reply to his texts, emails or phone calls, then he couldn’t lure me back.
He couldn’t take it. He’d been in control of our relationship, of me, for the best part of four years. He no longer knew what I was thinking, doing or planning.
And so the stalking began …
In the Author’s note in the back of my new hardback Every Move You Make I detail the things that he did, and how the situation escalated, how obsessive he was, how I tried to fight back.
That fight – to regain control of my life – was the inspiration behind my new book, Every Move You Make.
I wanted to explore the stalking experiences of four different victims:
- Lucy Newton, a primary school teacher, whose ex won’t accept that they’re over.
- Bridget Hopkin, whose colleague was so obsessed with her that she had to leave her job.
- River, who can’t go anywhere without looking over his shoulder. Neither can his new girlfriend. His ex is angry, and she wants her revenge.
- Alexandra Raynor, an actress, has no idea who’s taken her photo and sending her abusive messages and strange gifts. Her stalker has no face, no body, no name.
I wanted to portray how it feels to be stalked, how the phone ringing can cause a panic attack, how it feels to know that someone’s standing outside your home, trying to look in, but it was equally important to me that these four victims decide to fight back.
I used technology to try and regain some control of my own life and, in Every Move You Make Bridget, River, Lucy and Alexandra decide to place trackers on each other’s stalkers, so they always know where they are, so they can stay safe.
Unfortunately, things don’t exactly go to plan …
Every Move You Make is published in hardback/ebook/audio in the UK and Ireland on 28th March. 16th July in USA/Canada and 31st July Aus/NZ.
If you pre-order a hardback, or come to one of my March/April events, you’ll receive one of these stunning collector’s edition hardbacks, with silver lilies embossed on the board (lilies feature in a wreath in Chapter 3…)
If you want a signed copy, made out to you with a personalised message, doodle and bookmark, you have until 20th March to order one.
Two lovely independent bookshops are happy to take your orders:
Bert’s Books: https://bertsbooks.co.uk/product/every-move-you-make/
Max Minerva’s: https://maxminervas.co.uk/products/every-move-you-make-c-l-taylor-signed-pre-order
Unsigned copies are available from:
Waterstones / Amazon UK / Easons (Ireland) / Amazon USA / Amazon AUS/NZ / Amazon CA
Or you can ask your local independent bookshop to order a copy in.
Finally, if you, or someone you love, are being stalked or harassed please tell someone. Keep a record of every form of contact and get in touch with the police.
You can also get advice from various charities and organisations include the Susy Lamplugh Trust, and the National Stalking Helpline.
National Stalking Helpline: 0808 802 0300